Festivus With The Friendship Center

A new tradition in which our editor invites you to join us in channeling the core conventions of Festivus as popularized by Seinfeld to lift up The Friendship Center’s work throughout the past year.

Welcome to our first-ever Festivus with The Friendship Center, where we will be channeling the core conventions of Festivus as popularized in a 1997 episode of Seinfeld, as a way to reflect on the past year.

You may ask yourself, why Festivus? To which I say, why not Festivus? Why not embrace a small rebellion against the commercialism that otherwise dominates the holiday season? Why not ritualize the airing of grievances, performance of feats of strength, and impulsive declaration of Festivus miracles as a light-hearted framework to lift up our work throughout 2025? I challenge any naysayers out there to come up with a valid reason that we shouldn't. As for the rest of you, please join us in setting up your unadorned aluminum Festivus pole as we get this celebration underway, first with the airing of grievances.

Airing of Grievances

Listen, The Friendship Center is nothing without our community. We know this. We exist because there's a need for the services we offer, and we can offer those services because our community supports our mission.

Our community is also large. That means it includes people with varying levels of awareness about the crimes of domestic violence, sexual assault, and stalking. And people have diverse motivations for supporting agencies like ours. Most of our supporters have some kind of personal connection to our mission—whether it's themselves, a loved one, or an acquaintance that's been affected by these violent crimes. I’m spelling this out because we believe all who stand with us, and with our clients by extension, have good intentions and a desire to learn from the lived experience of survivors.

At the same time, the average person still has a lot of misconceptions about our work—whether it's the services we offer, who we serve, the limits of the systems we work in, or who perpetrates violent crime. There are many persistent misbeliefs we could break down here—so many, in fact, that if I tried to cover them all, I would run out of time to write this before getting to any of the non-grievance components of this made-up holiday. In my mind, though, having plenty of what I’m calling "grievances" to go around is a good problem to have because, after all, Festivus comes around every year. Knowing there will be more opportunities to address some of the most common misunderstandings we run into, we'll just focus on a few for this year's celebration. Here they are:

Grievance 1: A lot of people wrongly assume we don't serve men.

Let's clear this up right now: We do serve men. We have served men. We have male employees and board members. A lot of our key partners at other agencies in the community are men, and many of our partners also work directly with our clients to provide the best support possible. That said, we understand why some people have arrived at the conclusion that we serve women and children exclusively.

First, one of the more overarching facts that the confusion can stem from: We live in the US and like many western colonized countries, wealth and power are organized around the settler colonial convention of mostly white, mostly male private property ownership. Also like many western colonized countries, the US from its founding adopted a culture that enables (even encourages and rewards) the use of abusive force to subjugate non-dominant groups and the land itself to help keep power and resources concentrated in the hands of men. Now, that's a very compressed summary of five centuries of violent colonization perpetrated by white Europeans on this continent, but it's foundational to understanding a.) why cisgender men are disproportionately the perpetrators of interpersonal violence, especially intimate partner violence and rape, and b.) why marginalized groups like women, LGBTQ+ folks, and people of color are disproportionately the victims of these crimes (most of which, while we're in abbreviated history lesson mode here, weren't even considered crimes prior to the 20th century, which tells you everything you need to know about where people in power have stood on most forms of abuse until fairly recently).

As a second source of possible confusion, our emergency and longer-term shelter options for men experiencing intimate partner violence are different from our options for women and their dependent children. Our current onsite safe shelter is semi-congregate where all bedrooms are self-contained while kitchens, bathrooms, and living spaces are communal. Folks living in our onsite shelter are considered “residential” clients because they have longer-term shelter needs as a result of their victimization. The vast majority of our residential clients at any time are women who’ve had to seek safe shelter because of a male offender. As an agency, we cannot share information with anyone, including current residents, about new residents as they move into shelter. Residential clients may and sometimes do make connections amongst each other, but because of our strict confidentiality policy and advocate privilege requirements under Montana law, that has to be initiated by the clients themselves or at least with their explicit consent. Currently, the combination of these conditions makes it difficult to ensure everyone would feel safe in shelter if, for instance, an unfamiliar adult male was to move in. So, when we do provide shelter services for men, it has typically been through emergency offsite shelter in carefully vetted hotels, which are what we also rely on to provide short-term emergency shelter to non-residential clients in need of safe shelter.

Grievance 2: If you ever hear somebody use the term “mutual domestic violence” unironically, you have our support in informing them that that concept is an absolute crock of bull.

A domestic violence case is predicated on one person’s need for absolute control over an intimate partner and willingness to violate their autonomy, usually at all costs. Now, in the course of a relationship, can both parties use violence against one another—as in, literal force or combative actions and words? Of course. But when we’re talking about “domestic violence,” we’re talking less about an incident like a one-off assault and more about an overall pattern of coercive control with a clear victim and perpetrator. To an outsider, can it be difficult to suss out who is who in an abusive dynamic? Without context or the history of the relationship, sure. But that’s where having a basic understanding of common perpetrator behavior and how coercive control manifests can help demystify what looks like a “he said, she said” situation at first blush. Fortunately, our Client Services Manager Jaime Gabrielli has offered up a pretty good primer on this topic in her piece “The Myth of Mutual Domestic Violence.” It’s the single most-read blog post on our website, and the first to surpass 1,000 all-time views, so if you haven’t already, do yourself a favor and join the droves of readers who’ve enlightened themselves about the practical impossibility of “mutual domestic violence.”

Grievance 3: Contrary to popular belief, dark alleys don’t perpetrate rape.

Yes, yes, I feel like it’s unbelievable that this needs to be said. Rape is an interpersonal crime, for crying out loud, and research has yet to show that narrow passageways have a propensity for sexually assaulting people. Nonetheless, I have evidence as recent as April of this year that there are people out on the streets that believe the setting of an assault somehow diminishes a perpetrators’ responsibility for choosing to attack or violate another person. Of course, I know the real objective of making an assault about anything other than somebody’s choice to harm or abuse another person is to shift blame to the victim and push the confounding idea that there are certain conditions that constitute an invitation to be raped.

As a hyper-literal person, I can’t help but point out how most victim-blaming tropes require massive leaps of logic. Suggesting that dark alleys are a place where rapists shouldn’t be held responsible for their actions is just one bewildering example. Go with me on this thought journey: Saying a perpetrator somehow waives responsibility for rapes they’ve committed in a dark alley is like saying consent or criminal jurisdiction can be circumvented by setting foot in a narrow, poorly lit, or low-visibility place. As a Yellowstone gateway kid, this reminds me of the so-called “Zone of Death” that’s long been a source of fascination to laypeople and legal commentators alike. But even in the Zone of Death scenario, the problem isn’t that legal jurisdiction over violent crimes like rape and murder goes “poof” in a 50-square-mile section of Idaho with no permanent residents—it’s just that the courts would never theoretically be able to empanel a jury because of an obscure constitutional provision dictating conditions theoretical jurors would have to meet. Currently, there is no such “Zone of Death” in Montana, and there is no legal loophole for crimes committed in alleys. Unless the Sixth Amendment of the US Constitution is amended to include an “Alley Clause,” penetration without consent is statutory rape every time, even in dark alleys, and perpetrators are solely responsible for their crimes.

Feats of Strength

Suffice to say it’s been a hell of a year for victim services programs, and nonprofits in general. Despite a real shockwave of uncertainty around the future of federal funding early in the year, we have kept a strong footing. Of course, this owes in large part to the support of our community, and we’ve seen it throughout the year. You all have sent a loud and clear message that you believe in safeguarding critical, life-saving resources in Greater Helena, and our services are just one example. We saw this as recently as this fall with the outpouring of support for Helena Food Share when it was clear that November SNAP benefits would be delayed as a result of what ended up being the longest government shutdown in US history. Acts of care like that show us that you give a damn about your neighbors' welfare, and that even in moments of frustration and uncertainty, our community is far from resigned and complacent.

You believe everyone deserves support and you reject the idea that suffering is an inevitability that we must passively accept. Fred Rogers is often quoted for repeating a lesson instilled in him by his mother whenever he’d come across frightening catastrophes in the media as a child: “Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.” If you’re reading this, it’s probably because you are one of those helpers, and we consider you our collaborators in standing with survivors. Movements like ours can be disrupted, but they are hard to halt when we tap into the roots of activism that brought work like The Friendship Center’s above ground not all that long ago. Within living memory, providing safety to those fleeing violence was done clandestinely, often in discreet networks of safe houses within private residences. Which sets us up nicely to talk about where our safe shelter program started, and what that has to do with where we are today.

Reconnecting With Our Roots

Many of you reading are probably aware that in December 2023, we had the unique opportunity to reacquire the original Friendship Center house across the street from our current offices and onsite shelter in Helena’s Sixth Ward. The purchase of the house at 1503 Gallatin Avenue effectively completed the first phase of a multi-year capital project. When we launched the capital campaign in 2023, we initially envisioned completing renovations to the building by the end of this year. Whether that vision would be attainable really came under doubt in the early months of 2025, when our leadership had to pivot significant attention and time to not only creating contingency plans for an increasingly unstable federal funding landscape, but also educating the public about the impacts of federal funds on services that Montanans rely on, and encouraging our supporters to call on their members of congress to safeguard federal programs that preserve valuable resources in our communities.

Even with that bump in the road, at year’s end, we’ve still managed to raise 75% of our overall campaign goal, and more importantly, we have been able to start the design and cost-estimating processes that will allow us to get concrete project budgets needed to apply for funding opportunities that will account for significant chunks of that remaining campaign goal. That’s to say, we started 2025 expecting less progress to show around this small but meaningful expansion for The Friendship Center, but we’re ending the year much closer than we anticipated to being able to start the next phase. Stay tuned for updates in 2026, and thanks to all who’ve already shown interest in and support for our vision of an expanded, contiguous campus between our current offices and our old home across the street!

Safety for Survivors’ Pets

We had some big wins throughout the past year on the client services side of our mission. As one example, we were proud to announce a new partnership with Lewis and Clark Humane Society (LCHS) to provide safe housing for pets! Up to 70% of domestic violence victims have pets, and many of them (data estimates 20-60%) will delay leaving a dangerous situation because they don’t know where to place or how to protect them. Through a RedRover Safe Housing grant, TFC and LCHS can now offer free safe housing for the pets of those escaping violence in our community.

We initially rolled out the pet safe housing program with the option of offsite pet fostering for both residential and non-residential TFC clients, and we’re starting to pilot an option that will allow our residential clients to have their pets with them in our onsite shelter. This may sound like a simple step, but it’s a huge deal, as less than 20% of domestic violence shelters in the US are designed to accommodate pets. We’re proud to be part of the movement to create more pet-friendly shelters, particularly because we know the impact of keeping our clients and their pets together, with a staggering 91% of survivors reporting that their pets have been significant in their ability to survive and heal.

New Video Learning Resources

We’ve also been able to expand how we reach people with our educational materials in 2025 through a new series of videos. Spearheaded by our Education Coordinator Eric Parsons, these clear, easy-to-understand, easy-to-share videos are ideal for both those who are starting to learn basic concepts as well as anyone who just wants a refresher on specific topics. Our hope is that offering up knowledge and insight that can help prevent abuse in a new format democratizes the information and empowers people with a useful resource to share and revisit. To date, our videos have covered topics like how the reality of stalking contrasts to how it’s depicted in popular media, risk factors indicating a domestic violence victim is likely to experience severe harm or homicide, and why victims stay in abusive relationships. We're adding new videos on an ongoing basis and have a standing invitation to you, our viewers and readers: Let us know of any topics you’d like us to cover!

Community Engagement

The same month a total stranger stunned me with their “dark alleys” comment I covered quite passionately in the airing of grievances (seriously, I was briefly speechless), we had the opportunity to host a free community screening of a documentary called An Army of Women in recognition of Sexual Assault Awareness Month. The film follows the plaintiffs of a 2018 federal class-action lawsuit against law enforcement and prosecutors in Austin, Texas, for the systemic mishandling of rape cases. Following years of litigation, the plaintiffs and their legal team achieved a groundbreaking settlement that led to significant reforms in the handling of sexual assault cases in their community.

Our screening was followed by an audience talkback with our own Gina Boesdorfer as well as our partners in healthcare, law enforcement, and the criminal justice system who work alongside us to address and respond to sexual violence in our community. More than two-thirds of our available tickets were reserved and about 80 attendees joined us. The success of this event showed us that there’s an appetite for similar programming in our community, and we’re looking forward to partnering on yet another screening for 2026, this time of Sugarcane, an award-winning documentary about a Canadian First Nation community’s 2021 investigation into the sexual abuse, deaths, and disappearances of children at a nearby Indian residential school. Check out the event page to learn more about this January 20 screening, and reserve your free tickets to join us.

Festivus Miracle

To round out our inaugural Festivus celebration, I have the distinguished honor of recounting a very easily explained event from the past year and chalking it up to a Festivus miracle. Though for this particular miracle, we have to go back to the merry month of June, when we received a visit from none other than Batman.

Did I see him? No. But I’m confident it was him. Why? Just trust me on this one. I feel like I know the work of a vigilante when I see it, especially one who's divested themself of “more closet crap,” and left all the evidence clearly labeled as such in front of our garage doors before flying away. (Full disclosure: We do have security cameras around the building and could theoretically produce footage to prove what I already know with a HIGH DEGREE OF CONFIDENCE was Batman’s doing, but our staff has more important things to do than review six-month old video footage since Batman doesn’t present a threat to our staff or shelter residents at this time.)

Miraculous as this event was, even Batman is only human, and we wish he would’ve gone about his covert drop-off a little bit, well, less covertly. So, we seized the opportunity to remind some of our online followers of material donation dos and don’ts.

And there you have it—a Festivus miracle made all the more miraculous by dint of it doubling as a teachable moment...all underwritten by Batman no less!

Happy Festivus!

And that, my friends, concludes our first-ever Festivus celebration. May your aluminum poles stay plain. May your own grievances be heard (unless your grievances are victim-blaming tropes—please stop with those). May your feats of strength be formidable. May your Festivus miracles be numerous.

Until next December 23, happy Festivus from The Friendship Center!