Client Q&A: Controlling Relationship Dynamics

One of our clients offers up insights on controlling relationship dynamics, advice for those in a position to support survivors, and words of encouragement for those who might be taking steps to end an abusive relationship.

Folks outside of our field are often unaware of just how disappointing the criminal justice system can be for survivors. It’s a big reason why reports to law enforcement for the crimes we address (domestic violence, sexual assault, and stalking) are so low. For example, anywhere between 60-80% of sexual assaults will never be reported, and there are research models that estimate domestic violence incidents in some areas are probably 29-53% higher than what's reflected in law enforcement data.[1] Shame, stigma, and fear of being disbelieved are some of the most common reasons many people don’t disclose abuse. In some cases, there’s even a valid fear of retribution—think of the times you’ve seen survivors in high-profile cases telling members of the press that they delayed reporting abuse because they’ve “seen what happens to people who come forward.”

What they mean by that is that victims who come forward generally face far more scrutiny than offenders. If their case is in the small minority that ever makes it inside a courtroom, they have to relive their trauma, all while proving that some of their worst memories are credible to a judge or, in the case of a criminal trial, a jury that may have little awareness of how the realities of violent crime differ from the most damaging, but persistent tropes. What’s more, in criminal trials, the offenders often don’t have to utter a word before a jury. For this and many other reasons, pursuing redress through the criminal justice process doesn’t guarantee a favorable outcome for a survivor, or for the safety of the general public. In fact, many of our clients have to contend with disappointing results because, under our criminal law, the accused are protected from consequences and presumed innocent unless a jury can be convinced that they meet a very high threshold of guilt beyond a reasonable doubt.

While the disappointing outcomes are sadly common, many of our clients who get to that point in the process don’t entirely regret engaging the system and speaking their truth. This Q&A is with one of those clients, who has chosen to remain anonymous. Like many survivors, her driving motivation for seeking justice was to ensure that her abuser could not harm others in the future. The results were not what she wanted, but that hasn’t diminished her desire to use her voice to educate and encourage. Check out what she has to say about controlling relationship dynamics, what advice she has for those in a position to support survivors, and what she wants to say to encourage those who might be taking steps to end an abusive relationship. Responses have be lightly edited for clarity.

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Many survivors find themselves years into a relationship before they're able to identify a clear pattern of coercive and controlling behavior. Knowing that abusive relationships rarely start out that way, how would you describe the progression of yours?

The controlling behavior came on quickly in my situation. His behavior changed within the first couple of months after we started dating. At first, he tried to be the perfect man that every girl dreams of being with. He had that mask on that only shows the good parts. Then, one day, it fell, and the controlling behavior began. His other bad behaviors started to show around that same time, some more subtle, while others were not.

What were some of the early red flags in retrospect?

He wanted to move in with me after a couple of months of talking on the phone. He was never available to me; when I called, he ignored it. He would hide his phone, always put it face down, and would not look at it in front of me, or turn the notifications on. He was always on social media—he had several accounts on different platforms. Most of his “friends” were women he hadn’t met in person, just online.

He would talk badly of my family members—ones who had passed, ones that he had not seen or talked to in years.

He was not willing to answer simple questions. He would not take responsibility for his own actions; it was always someone else’s fault, or my fault, or he would try to shame me.

He had a bad spending habit, but only on the things he wanted or thought he needed. He wanted control over my money and wanted to spend more than we had. He wanted to be on all my accounts and get a joint account even after he knew I was uncomfortable with sharing money.

How long did it take for things to escalate to where you felt unsafe or that you were no longer in control of your life?

It was only about a week after he moved in with me that things escalated. His temper started to show. I had a couple of roommates, and he wanted them gone. He made them feel uncomfortable by saying hurtful things and picking fights with them. He went so far as to push one of them around, and I had to step in to stop a fight. He would take my vehicle and be gone for hours without letting me know what was going on.

For most, leaving an abusive relationship is a process, not a one-time event. How long was the process for you? What safety considerations factored into that timeline?

After the first time I caught him talking inappropriately to other women, I knew something needed to change, or I needed to get out. It took eight months. At this time, his behavior got worse. I went online and did research on how things work. I opened up to his family and my family about what was going on. I started to gather a support team of friends and family. I took classes at church to have security in my higher power. I started to separate our finances. There were pictures taken and hidden along with lists of what needed to be taken care of. I could only do this while he was at work, as I didn't want to bring out his angry side.

The Power and Control Wheel is a tool used widely by advocates in agencies like The Friendship Center and we find it helpful for highlighting 1.) the common tactics perpetrators use to maintain power and control and 2.) that when we're talking about "domestic violence," we're talking about a pattern of behavior, not one explosive episode. When you look at the Power and Control Wheel, which tactics were used against you?

In my situation, he used every single one of these tactics on the Power and Control Wheel.

In one form or another, these behaviors came out. In every category on the wheel, he used at least one or more of the examples described on me. Sometimes it was subtle and at times it was blatant.

Which tactics jump out in hindsight, and how did they manifest?

One of the most used on me was making me feel crazy. He would tell me all the time that I was insecure, and that’s why he was pushed to talk to other women. He would say it was my past—my parents' fault—that I didn’t trust him.

He was very good at intimidation. He would make it a point to body check me every chance he got. This man was almost a foot taller and outweighed me by 150 pounds. He told me stories of how he liked to fight, and if I was ever with or around another man, he would “beat the brakes off of them.”

When he came to live with me, I had some money saved. Within the first couple of months, he had spent it all.

He made me think I was not worthy; no one could love a woman who was crazy and immoral.

What was the most frustrating or terrifying part of your experience? What do you want folks who might find themselves in a similar situation to know?

The most frustrating and terrifying thing was the lying and manipulation. He would sit right in front of me and talk to other women. I know it, I had evidence of it.

He would lie to me. If you are with someone who you feel is lying or has lied to you, and you know it, this will kill your trust in others. Lying is a betrayal of trust. He made me question everything, everyone, rethink all my choices, wonder what was real and what wasn’t. This will carry over to other relationships, and it takes time to learn how to trust again and not question every action or kind gesture.

What were the biggest game-changers or lifelines that made it possible for you to feel like you could end the relationship for good?

There was no way I would be free from the relationship if it were not for the support of my family, friends, and God. I had many encouraging conversations that helped me muster the courage to make that call to the sheriff’s office that morning. The Friendship Center was one of the biggest supporters in my corner.

Once he was arrested and out of the house, I was able to breathe and gather my support team. I enrolled in a couple of support groups that helped me stay on the path to freedom.

When you think about people who might be in a position to recognize that somebody they care about is being harmed or controlled by a partner, what signs would you encourage them to look out for? And what advice would you give them for offering support?

One of the most important signs to look for if you suspect a friend or family member is in an abusive situation is if they start isolating. Some of the other signs are that they will make excuses for the harmful partner. They will just not be themselves. You may see marks that are the most obvious. You can also watch the partners' behaviors. Manipulation, hiding things, and lying are some of the things to look for in the partner.

Some advice to help your loved one is to open up communication. Start by asking, “Are you okay?” Really listen to their response. Offer support, understanding, and kind words. Provide them with tools like The Friendship Center’s phone number or encourage them to talk with a counselor or get away. Ultimately, you will have to understand it is their decision. You can’t force anyone to do what they don’t want to do.

Something that we feel cannot be overstated is how much the experience survivors have in different systems can compound the trauma of the abuse they've experienced when they decide to report to law enforcement and/or cooperate with prosecution.

Unless they've been through it themselves or alongside a loved one, most folks probably don't understand or appreciate how difficult it is to have to relive your experience AND also hear criminal defense attorneys invoke dismissive or victim-blaming tropes in a courtroom about your own case. What would you like folks to understand about the challenging choice to engage in the criminal justice process?

I want survivors to know that no matter what is said, if the outcome is not in your favor, it is not your fault. You did not choose to be harmed by someone who had no right. It takes a lot of strength and courage to get on the stand in front of your abuser. The people who know you and love you know the truth; the others who question their opinions just don't matter. Rest knowing that as long as you stand up and speak the truth, you are a better person.

What would you like other survivors to know about the process? What shaped your decision to engage in it?

The process is complicated. Take all the help you can get, ask the questions. Always be honest, no matter what.

The driving force for me to go through the system, even though the outcome was not what I'd hoped for, was that I didn’t want him to harm another woman. That is the whole reason I decided to do this Q&A as well. Men who abuse women need to know it is not okay. If one woman is encouraged and inspired to leave, that is a win.

What innate strengths have really served you in this process? Is there anything you've learned about yourself that has been surprising or empowering?

I have learned by going through my situation that I am strong, I am worthy, I am seen, I am loved, and I am not broken. I have found my higher power once again. Peace is something attainable. You have to be willing to put in some work, but it’s so worth it in the long run.

Another thing too many people don’t realize is that sometimes the terror and harm doesn’t necessarily end after a survivor manages to exit a relationship. Are you at a season in life where you feel like you’re out of the woods, or are there ways—subtle or overt—that you still feel like you’re navigating choppy waters?

I am in a season of acceptance. He will always be part of my past. I have taken the steps to secure my safety. My circle of friends and family are so wonderful and supportive.

I have been working hard on myself, as this will not happen to me again in life. This man who hurt me will not take any more pieces from me, or take away my peace.

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If you or someone you know has been affected by intimate partner violence, our advocates are here to help. Check out our services page to learn about our free, confidential, 24/7 services. You can also visit our domestic violence resource page to learn more about the signs of IPV, links to more resources, and options for survivors.

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Notes

[1] One way to think of this is that there’s at least five actual cases for every four reported and possibly more than three cases for every two reported.